Thursday, March 25, 2010

A Letter To The Enemy Within Me

Dear Fibromyalgia,

As I lie here on the couch, barely able to move, I can feel you twisting, grasping and pulling my muscles, contorting and twisting them into knots of horrific pain. My ribs feel as if I've been beaten and kicked, my head is throbbing, my jaws are tight and aching from the pain with which you are devouring my body. I can almost hear your sinister cackle each time I have to pull my body up from where I lie and shuffle, half bent over, to yet another bathroom break.

But as I lie here enveloped in your web of torture, I hear my little girl laughing from across the room....and I smile. You may think you've taken over my life, but I have news for have entered the body of a fighter.

Yes, you have changed many parts of my life. You sent me to the hospital, making me believe my heart was failing me. Your trickery of agony has brought me to a nervous breakdown and made me question my own sanity. You've sent me to the doctor, making me fear for my life, questioning whether cancer or some other fatal disease was attempting to take my life. You have even turned this drug hating, medication avoiding woman into a pill popper.But being the fighter I am, I didn't give up until you were identified as the illness that was trying to take my life from me. And the pills, hey, they silence you, they help me to sleep and they help me to take back the pieces of my life you are so blatenly trying to steal.

You see, I have your number, I know what you're all about and I know all too well how sneaky and underhanded you are. You try and take me down when I have things at home that need to be done. You wrack my body with pain when all I want to do is be up, out and enjoying the day. You lull me into this exhausted state where all I do is crave sleep.....but you see, the sleep only makes me stronger and more determined.

I will continue to smile and laugh. I will get up and spend time in the sun, my hands in the soil as I tend to my garden. I will take my little girl shopping, even if I have to stop and take a little break because you are screaming at my body with all of your might. I will play with my dogs, visit with my neighbors and continue to travel and fulfill my dreams.

You are an uninvited guest here. You are not wanted. You may think you have me....but you don't. You never will. I have been through far too much emotional pain and trauma in my life to just lie down and roll over to you. I have watched my child fight for his life and nearly die in my arms many times. I have protected another child from the dangerous hands of someone who claimed to love her. I have fought for the rights of disabled children and built a park for them when no one believed that I could. I have even set aside my own wants, needs and feelings as I handed over a newborn son to a deserving couple. I have seen some good things in life and I have seen many that are equally as bad. Compared to all of are nothing.

You, my dear Fibromyalgia, are a mere blip on my radar of life. I may allow you to slow me down, but you will never stop me. I will fight you every single day, with every fiber of my being and you.......YOU WILL NOT WIN. Never forget, you are not wanted and no matter how insistant you are, you still will not win.

You picked the wrong person to inflict. And you are in for the fight of your life. If anyone will beat you, it will be me. Because I am a fighter.....I never give up.....I never shut up....I never give in. I will win.

With hatred and disgust,

Your unwilling host,